...alone.

Loneliness. What kind of people do you think are the loneliest?

I think that there are two types of people in the world that are the loneliest. Those that don't seem like they're lonely, and those that constantly say that they're not alone.

Let's take a moment to think first about people who don't seem like they're lonely. Why not? Well you could probably categorize these people under two categories - those that "have people around them" and those that "seem like they do just fine on their own."
So what about those that always have other people around them? Are those people not just a temporary existence?

Like ice that numbs the heart for as long as it can stay cold before it melts away and becomes nothing but room-temperature water, what if all those people just started leaving and one day completely disappeared?

You can be surrounded with people by day, but when you lay down in bed at night and take a moment to stop and think, how many true friends do you really have? How many of those "true friends" do you think will really be there with you until the world ends? How many of those "true friends" will you still be able to contact ten, twenty, thirty, even forty years from now? It happens so much, so often...and before you even realize it, you're alone.

Okay, well what about those other people who seem like they're fine with being alone, just because sometimes, they choose to be alone? That's the exact reason why they're probably the loneliest. Because no one thinks they're lonely, or that they actually get lonely. Rarely is there ever anyone who stops to consider the possibilities that maybe, just maybe, they might actually be lonely.

What if, for the sake of the people they love, the people they care about, they can't help but try to put a smile on their faces - to convince everyone that they're happy and that there's nothing wrong and nothing to worry about?

No one understands. No one even thinks that there's anything to understand. But in fact, they might be one of the loneliest kinds of people out there in the world.


Now what about those people that say they're not alone? It's like reverse psychology in a sense. If you read between the lines, maybe they're just trying to convince themselves that they are not alone.

They feel so alone that they have to find reasons to persuade their minds and their souls to make themselves think that they don't actually feel alone.

It's like getting better from a placebo effect - you're not alone, so you're not lonely.



But you know what?

That's life.

We do things, we make mistakes, we tell ourselves not to get hurt again, but then it happens all over again. To lose touch with your "best friends" the first time around and then decide never to make friends ever again is just running away - running away due to a fear of loss and pain so that you'll never have to face life ever again.

Stand back up from where you fall.

This is your life, you are not your life's. Have you ever fallen from running and skinned your knees? Did you stop running after that? Hopefully not. There are just too many good things to pass up in life. Think about it.

Without all the so-called "bad things" that happen in life, you wouldn't understand how amazing and great the "good things" truly are.

So what if you may never see your friends again? So what if you don't stay together forever? You can't live in the past because you're already living in the present. But you know what? Even though you can't live in the past, that doesn't mean that you can try to live in the future.

You're living in the present. So, live well!

That way, you'll have good memories to reminisce in the future.

Your memories are part of what make you who you are.

Chances are, you probably wouldn't be who you are today if not for who you were in the past. Your past experiences combined with all your memories are what make you you. To live in the past would be to walk backwards - you'll only get farther and farther away from those that were once right next to you. To live in the future would be to miss out on what is currently happening around you because you weren't truly there in the present to live and experience it all.

It's okay if you don't end up together forever, because in reality, no one knows what will happen in the future. If your fate with someone only goes this far, then there's nothing to be done about it. The only thing we can do is try our best to hold on tight and hope that it doesn't end. But perhaps one day, fate will let you meet again. Hopefully by then, you will be strong enough to grasp firmly onto that fate and follow after it.

Words like "together forever" and "I am not alone," they reflect the hopes and wishes of the people who say them. Everyone wants at least someone to be with them, "together and forever." Everyone wants to believe that they "are not alone." That's the reason why we meet people and establish friendships. We all lack confidence. We're all alone. With that said, hold on for as long as you can. If the time comes, let it go. You may never see it again, but like a bird that once stayed because of a broken wing, perhaps one day it will return.

In life, there are bound to be people you meet, spend time with, and never see again. On the other hand, that also means that there must be people that you'll meet, spend time with, and one day meet again.

Labels: appreciating, close to the heart, crying out to the center of the world, feelings, friendship, hopes and wishes, I don't wanna be..., living life, loneliness, memories, who you are, words

...you fail to realize that maybe you're really not.


Dear Squidneyy,
"I'm sorry you feel that way." honestly is the first thing that comes to mind, but clearly, that's not what you want to hear. So instead, I'll tell you something that you might actually want to hear.

For people like us who are so used to "giving our all" all the time, we can't help but come across times when we wonder why people just don't understand. We do so much, they do so little. We're used to being expected-of, yet we are often unable to expect. We're constantly relied on because we're reliable but when times get hard, we find that we ourselves have no one to rely on. We contribute, but recieve no contribution ourselves. So as a result, we think: "This is it, this is the end."
We're so used to doing so much that we feel it's impossible to do any more. But no one cares about how we feel. While the expecations keep coming, our patience wears thin. We start to feel that "life is unfair."

It is hard to keep up a tough front, to pretend that everything's okay when it's not, to have to waste your time with people who don't actually care.
But you know what? I think that what you need isn't pity (obviously). You need understanding. You need someone to tell you "I know how that feels." You think that you're left all alone in the world, but I don't think that you are. I'm sure that there are other people out there who feel the same way you do right now. You don't need someone to feel bad for you, you need someone to feel bad with you.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to have a perfect life. There will always be something missing. Someone who is poor will wish that they were rich, but rich people have so much money that they don't know where to spend it. People with good grades will wish that they could be average, just so there wouldn't be so much pressure from being at the top, but people with lesser grades will wish that they could have as-high of a GPA as those that are "smarter" than them.
It's good that you recognize how blessed your life is, but it's okay to not be genuinely happy. We can only live one life and walk down one path; we can't help but wonder "what would life be like if things were different?" Since it's impossible to have everything in life, there's always going to be something that's missing, something that creates a gaping hole on the inside.

Remember the happy moments. If there were no "downs" in life, then there would be no "ups" either. Because there are "downs" in life, the "ups" that we come across become that much more pleasant, that much more enjoyable, that much more..."this is the happiest moment of my life."

For you, I have four quotes.

"Even if it's cheap, an alcohol that you deem delicious is the best alcohol. Even if you're poor, a life that you deem happy is the best life." --from the Japanese drama, "Bartender"

I believe that if you look at things from a pessimistic point of view, then you will see things as 'horrible' no matter how good they might actually be. Likewise, if you view things from an optimistic point of view, life might just get that much better. Although I understand that it is hard to maintain an optimistic point of view sometimes, I encourage you to try your best.
Your dad yells at you because he wants you to be better. There are times when we subconciously change; we can't tell the difference, but people around us can. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you "disrespectful, untrustworthy, selfish, [or] inconsiderate", I'm just saying it as something to think about. I don't know if you've done it already, but take a step back and look at who you are now compared to who you used to be. Are you really still the same person? Or have you changed in some minor, minuscule way? If you've changed for the better, then continue to be who you are. If not, then keep an eye out and try not to stray off your path.
Your "sister has anxiety issues and isn't doing well in school because [you're] not spending enough time with her" just proves to show how attached to you she is and how much she loves you. I have a friend who's little sister [who just might be the same age as your sister?] might not even know that her older sister is going to college.
Your teachers are disappointed in you because they know and believe that you can do so much better.
I'm no mindreader and I don't have psychic abilities either, so I could possibly be completely off on this. But if you take one step to the left, or take one step to the right, or even take one step back, you might just start looking at things from a different point of view than you were before.
Our goal in life isn't to make life harder than it already is; our goal in life is to live through it and enjoy it as much as we can. If you can, don't waste time thinking about all the bad times and looking at the bad things. Think about the good times; take a look at the good things.
Or, find an alternate escape. I watch asian dramas and read fanfics and think, "What if my life was like that?" I put myself in their shoes and "experience living their lives for a day" before I have to go back to my own. Maybe you just need a break from life; not a permanent one, but a temporary one. Live life in someone else's shoes for a day [or even two] before going back to your own. Maybe you'll find things different by then.

And awkwardly straying into the second quote...

'Having something you want is evidence that you're still living in this world. If there is something that you want so badly that you would die for it, that means that "I am still alive and well".' --from the Japanese drama, "Q10"

Don't be afraid to have desires in life. It's perfectly normal; trust me. What's good is that you acknowledge the fact that you are blessed, because I'm sure there are people out there who live their entire lives without ever realizing how much they really have.
We sometimes question why things happen, but some of those might just be answers that we never find. Life your life the way you were meant to live it; I'm sure that one day, you'll find yourself to be more loved than you [seem to?] think you are. Sometimes, people don't realize certain things until they're gone, never to come back again.

And last but not least, quotes numbers three and four:

"If you're alive, you can start over. No one has the right to take that away." --from the Japanese movie, "Death Note 3: L Change the World" (said by L/Lawliet)

The decisions that you choose to make are up to you, but remember this: mistakes are made to be learned from, and bad experiences exist to make the good experiences even better. That is what I believe. If there are people that make you feel like you don't belong, then the day that you discover where you do belong, you will know.

"No one sets the regulations about how things are 'supposed to be.' That's your own checkpoint/barrier. You have to learn how to overcome it by yourself." --from the Taiwanese drama, "Death Girl"

That's life. You decide how it's lived, and how you're going to live it.
Are you going to let those barriers get the best of you, or are you going to live through it, overcome it, and move on to something greater and better? [I sure do hope you choose the latter.]
After you cross this barrier, you'll be a lot stronger than you were before. I believe that you can do it!

Don't feel like you're alone, because I've felt like you at one point in my life too; I too have felt that "It's time to just give up" feeling. I was about to give up on math last year after first quarter; I didn't finish the homework before the unit test and I just wanted to disappear. I cried at 5 AM after staying up all night trying to finish all the homeworks and thought "What am I doing with my life? Why do I have to do all of this? Why do I have to strive for these grades that I continually fail to get?" I cried again when I went to go talk to my teacher in the morning and confess that I hadn't finished the homework. It was hard to force myself to stop crying after I'd walked back into the school building.
It's okay to cry in public because sometimes, you just have to cry.

Cry out all your tears in one go, let out all that you've been feeling during this time. After you're done, stand back up and start walking again. When you do, we'll all meet you on the other side with open arms.

When you think you're alone, you fail to realize that maybe you're really not. So realize us. Turn around and see that we are standing right by your side.

Labels: Dear so-and-so..., loneliness